Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

Occasionally certain oceanswimming buddies who shall remain nameless attempt to imitate the style of the Morton Salt Report. Given that the Report is authored by a mathematics major who has spent WAY too much time writing equations, such imitations invariably sound WAY better than the originals.

June 12, 2000

Per Sally's request and due to technical difficulties experienced with her ISP while in the Bay Area, I forward to you Sally's latest weekend ocean swim report. Cheers!

Hector

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Hello Swimming Buddies!

Before we start with this weekend's report, I'd like to welcome to our e-mail group the following people, Judge Judy (noon workout swimmer), Summer Sanders (NBC Olympics commentator brushing up on her reporting skills and knowledge) and David Hasselhof (Baywatch star and SCAQ workout visitor).

I bring you the latest ocean swimming report from the beautiful Bay Area. On Saturday, a small but talented contingent of SCAQ swimmers descended upon San Francisco's isle of Alcatraz to compete in the open water race that ended in San Francisco's famed Aquatic Park. The group included Marc Willick, Jenny Cook, John Jericiau, Kathy Mann, Garth Sears, Chris Yontez and moi. The weather could not have been better. The air temperature was in the high 70's, the wind was blowing lightly from the northeast and the currents were rather tame. The only big problem we faced was that the water temperature was about 55 degrees. In the Sally Shivering scale that means that it was REALLY, REALLY COLD. So much so that I overheard Marc Willick wonder out loud if the "shrinkage problem" he had experienced would be permanent.

Despite the fact that most of us had planned for the cold water temperatures (I borrowed from Loree Bryer her neoprene ocean headgear), we all had the type of experience that most of us should submit to the X Files. Allow me to start by describing my day. It all started during my dry land warm-up when I bumped into a colleague with whom I have participated in various statistics panel discussion worldwide. I had always thought that Flabio was quite good looking but had never had the chance to glance at his body in a tight Speedo. For a moment, I forgot about the water temperature and started to worry about mine! I was pleased when I sensed from him a reciprocal feeling. We wished each other good luck and continued to prepare for the race.

We promptly started the race from Alcatraz at 8:30 a.m. -- For those of you who would like to learn more about Alcatraz, you should rent the action-adventure drama "The Rock". It stars Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery, and it is excellent. -- The crowd consisted of over 800 participants, with participants from all over the world. As we entered the chilly water, the shrieks of the participants drowned the sounds made by people jumping off the Golden Gate. I quickly tried to find my stroke, but it was simply impossible. I could feel my muscles ache and tighten but I was determined to not to give up. Especially, not after hearing Jenny Cook tell me that I was not "woman" enough for this race. Now, I don't want to sound petty or anything, but this is the same woman who "suddenly" started winning ocean swims and looking like Ms. Perfect Body after she added Gingko Biloba-enhanced Jamba juices to her regular diet. Anyway, I continued to make my way through the crowd and quickly realized that I had worked my way into a position among the top ten women in the race.

It was halfway through the race that the weird things started to happen. I found myself unable to breathe regularly and spotted a buoy not far from where I was treading water. I swam to the buoy to rest for a moment and gather my thoughts before continuing the race. It was then that I saw Flabio again. As he swam by, he caught a glimpse of me and turned to see if I was okay. He reached for the buoy and then for my hand. He slowly caressed my cheek and spoke quietly about how he always thought that he and I were statistically compatible. He drew my face close to his and we began a soft but slippery embrace. He looked deep into my eyes and followed this with a kiss that melted me and the buoy! I felt like butter. It was then that I noticed that Kathy Mann was about to pass me. I snapped out of my dream-like state, waved Flabio goodbye and went on to complete the race. At the finish we were welcomed by Hector, Mary and baby Isabella Chao . They greeted all of the SCAQ swimmers with warm coffee and fresh pastries. A very kind gesture indeed!

Other SCAQ swimmers had similarly weird experiences. Garth Sears joined the nudists from Stinson Beach and stripped to his birthday suit for the entire race. He finished 73rd overall and 8th in his age group (33:54). John Jericiau, unable to recover from his 165 mile bike ride the day before, swam sidestroke during the entire race. He still finished 18th overall and 3rd in his age group (29:44). Jenny Cook (powered by her Jamba juice concoction) finished 17th overall, 2nd woman and 1st in her age group (29:33). Marc Willick overcame his "shrinkage problem" and finished 3rd overall (!!!!) and 1st in his age group (26:33). Kathy Mann, wearing the latest swim fashion design from EQ (in a sea otter print), finished right after me and was the 7th woman to finish (31:45). I raced to the finish where I waited for Flabioto show up. I was 37th overall, 6th woman and first in my age group (31:30). Flabio, being the statistician that he is, finished less than one standard deviation away from me. Although we missed having Tracey, Bill, Mac, Pat, Linda and all of our other ocean swimming buddies join us for the race, I am convinced that they will want to join us in all the fun next year.

One last note. For those of you that have not seen the latest Tom Cruise adventure drama, John and I have decided to rename it Miss It If Possible 2. Enough said.

I close this e-mail with the news that Parks and Reiko are back from their honeymoon and the report that they are pregnant with triplets! Way to go Parks! I hope to see all of you next weekend back in our sunny Southern California beaches.

Sally